picture from google image search
I was walking to school and as I turned the corner leading to the music building door, I stopped in my tracks… a big butterfly was sprawled out on the sidewalk, blocking my path. (Sorry, didn’t have a camera, so no picture… just a pseudo picture from google images to catch your attention). Like my nature-y self, I thanked and praised God as I gazed at the uniqueness of its large size, black and white coloring, and simple beauty.
But what really struck me was the fact that a big chunk of its wing was missing! It was broken and that was the most beautiful part. It just stood there on the sidewalk in the midst of brokenness. It didn’t move. It didn’t do anything. It just was.
That’s when I realized that God was speaking to me…
I had been asking God to speak to me and give me guidance regarding specific parts of my life. Sleepless nights were exhausting me. When I couldn’t sleep, I’d ask God what He wanted me to do. I’d open my Bible and search for truth. I’d turn on the worship music, hoping it would calm my racing thoughts. I’d ask Him to speak. I’d sit there and listen. I’d ask Him to give me rest.
I waited.
And waited.
And… waited.
Silence. The silence was deafening.
I just wanted to hear from Him. I wanted the heavens to open and hear God’s thundering voice tell me exactly what to do and how to do it. I wanted an email to show up in my inbox giving me the details. I wanted clarity and I wanted it instantly.
Here’s where the broken butterfly comes in:
God wanted me to wait on Him in my brokenness. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” -Psalm 27:14. Phrases like, “listen to Me,” “look to Me,” “trust in Me,” were popping out in my Bible readings on a regular basis. So I responded by trying to do those things, but…
He didn’t want me to do anything. This is the really hard part for me. I want to be actively involved and go get things done. Waiting for God was exhausting to me. It seemed like He was taking His sweet time while I was relentlessly pursuing Him for answers. I thought I was listening, looking, and trusting in Him… but my thoughts always went to: what should I do?! I was doing the best I could to hear from Him, but felt like a failure every time I didn’t hear anything. **Check out the lyrics from the song “Fix You” at the bottom of this blog. This has been a go-to song for me and articulates my circumstances pretty well.** Jesus gave His life to fix my brokenness. He doesn’t need me to do anything. Realizing that this was the point continues to bring me freedom daily.
He wanted me to be with Him. The Creator of the universe loves me and wants to be in relationship with me. Nothing more and nothing less. How humbling. He was speaking to me all along. When I gazed at that broken and beautiful butterfly and soaked in the depth of its significance to my broken and beautiful life, I heard the still small voice whispering… “Just be.”
Fix You
– by Coldplay (adapted and recorded by WorshipMob)
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
He gave His life to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
He can guide you home
And ignite your bones
He gave His life to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
When you can’t learn from your mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
He will guide you home
And ignite your bones
He gave His life to fix you
Courtney's Chronicles 